SEEKING SPIRITUALITY IN NATURE
I've never been a religious person but I can honestly say that I find spirituality in nature around me. Every time I'm outside, in the woods, a field or even my backyard, I feel connected to something greater than I am. It makes me feel small. It makes me see the simplistic forms of nature's details & beautiful creations basking in its light. It makes me understand and appreciate the value in my own tiny little life.
I guess you could say, for me, to be in nature is to feel euphoric. It's a high that no drug could ever consume me the way IT does.
I feel love.
I feel happy.
I feel peace.
I feel alive...
The night that we lost our little one, I had hit a low I've never felt before. One that I know you would understand if you've lost something special to you. And I mean really special.
I remember waking up from a sob induced slumber after coming home post surgery. It was hot. It was spring but felt like the start to summer. It had just finished raining and the air was humid.
And like my face, our yard had been covered in tears.
I stared in a daze, something I would do for the next few months, out at our yard from our dining room window. And amidst my sorrow was a set of twinkling lights. They danced feverishly throughout my yard as if to tell me a message through it's own made up Morse Code. I remember letting out a little 'laugh sigh'. In that moment I knew eventually, through the darkness I would see the light. That I would be okay. It was the first genuine smile that day, even though it was small.
Those fireflies didn't leave my thoughts after that. And for the next two weeks I became obsessed with them. Ask my poor husband who would endure my constant analysis of them. It was something I could hold on to. It was something I could see every night when I came home dancing in my yard greeting me with their sweet kiss of light.
I didn't just leave it at thought. I researched them. I learned about their ways of life and purpose of being. I read about their symbolic meaning and wholeheartedly took to them like they were my own little kin.
I found out that these little creatures live for love. 'And so it goes...'
Starting in June and continuing through July, the sole (or soul) purpose of their being is to procreate. They live, breathe & light the night to find their mates (or loves as I believe) in order to create their own little beings.
We were in the midst of mating season when we lost our world and I literally clung to it like a shipwreck.
They are often referred to as magical and exude the spirit of believing & hope. How I needed this very feeling in my life at that time.
But one of the biggest things I learned, that both breaks & mends my aching heart, is that fireflies embody the animal spirit of the heart of a child.
Right then and there, my heart skipped a beat. I had found my connection to this little being we lost. That night I saw, felt and embraced our little one leaving our lives on earth.
And now every June, I'll be reminded of its' tiny brilliance in my life. Its' continual guidance as I walk through days of darkness.
And forever I will carry you in my heart and on my arm....
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
-- E.E. Cummings